


pink beetle

by geminidaniel



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s06e13 Far Beyond the Stars, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Girls Kissing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Lesbians in Space, Male Character of Color, Mild Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism, Period-Typical Sexism, Police Brutality, Privilege, Secret Relationship, Strangers to Lovers, but not because it's the fifties, darlene loves kay's stories, kay isn't married to julius, more tags soon, only a little bit tho, why is there not more fic with this ship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25819894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geminidaniel/pseuds/geminidaniel
Summary: just some 1950's lesbians
Relationships: Jadzia Dax/Kira Nerys, Kay Eaton/Darlene Kursky
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	1. cliche

**Author's Note:**

> most of the chapters are inspired and named after songs that i'll be naming in these notes
> 
> the title of this is "pink beetle" by rejjie snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> named after "cliche" by mxmtoon

"everyone," pabst announces in his dull, monotone voice, "this is darlene kursky. she's my new secretary. be sure introduce yourselves. now, if you have no further questions, i'll be in my office."

he grabs his suitcase and shuffles into his office in the back corner of the room and closes the door. darlene watches him go and then giggles and looks around at her new coworkers. "well, aren't ya gonna introduce yourselves?"

julius comes up first, his cigarette holder balancing in the corner of this mouth as he shakes her soft hand. "pleasure to work with you," he remarks briefly, scanning her eyes and pausing for a moment before quickly returning to his typewriter.

kay comes up next, and she's instantly met with piercing blue eyes staring straight into her hazel ones. "uh..." she stutters, "uh... h-hi! i'm kay. i-i write as the uh..." why couldn't she talk? she's fought aggressively with everyone she's met to get in that office, behind one of those typewriters, and now all she can manage is "hi i'm kay?" something about the situation was weird, and kay swears when she blinked she saw darlene in a black jumpsuit, not a gray dress. she ignores it and tries to finish her sentence, but the woman who has her hand clasped in her own finishes it for her.

"you're k.c. hunter, right? i love your stories, they're so detailed." your eyes have been locked the whole time, and only then does she break the stare to dart her vision down to kay's lips.

"i love your lipstick," she murmurs before she lets her hand fall at her side. kay only blushes lightly and nods, moving out of the way for everyone else to meet the new woman.

kay's head is in space as she wonders back to her desk to the half-written story before her. she tries to focus her energy into looking at the piece roy drew that she chose, a woman sunbathing with a giant praying mantis looming over her from behind. as hard as she tries, her eyes blur and her gaze is pulled back to the woman, now sitting at her desk across the room from kay. she can't help but watch, captivated, as her jaw moves so rigidly while she chews her gum as she hungrily reads benny's newest piece, aptly titled "deep space nine." her eyes and smile widen and wean as her eyes dart through the story. she's thoroughly invested. 

"which one of you's wrote this?" she asks eagerly in her high voice. kay smiles without realizing it, still watching the other woman.

"oh... i did," benny replies timidly, raising his hand for a moment. her eyes light up and she grins.

"i mean... it's just so good. best thing i've read since the puppet masters," she says enthusiastically. "you think pabst'll let it be in the issue?"

"let's hope so," herb chimes in, his hand in the quickly depleting box of donuts in front of him as he holds pages of the story with his other hand. "i've never read anything so good."

"yes, it's good, isn't it," pabst mutters, coming out and dropping his stack of papers from russell's story. "it's very good."

kay notices benny's eyes widen. "do you think you could put it in this month's issue?"

all pabst does is sigh, and the optimism in the room is crushed swiftly.

"benny, you know i can't post this story."

before pabst can elaborate, herb hops out of his chair, a piece of donut still in his hand as he points it accusingly at the editor. "and why not? because there's a black captain? that's- well, that's just absurd and you know it!"

pabst rolls his eyes and heaves another sigh that can be heard throughout the entire town. "listen, i think the story is brilliant, maybe the best thing ever written in these walls... but i just can't post it. we'll drive all our readers away with a story with a... a negro captain. i'm sorry benny, i am," he huffs, turning his back on the devastated writer.

"pabst," darlene interjects suddenly, "oh... i-i mean mr. pabst... who says the public... the readers, i mean... how do you know they won't want to read it?"

kay's eyes sparkle and she smiles again to herself. no one besides herb _ever_ talks back to pabst. she couldn't help but admire it. maybe it inspires her.

"yeah," kay chimes in. "if i were to write a story just like benny's, with a... with a woman captain on a spaceship, ordering men around, would you pull it from the layout? what if it was the best thing ever written, like benny's. how would you know people wouldn't read it? you only know something for certain if you do it."

pabst shuts his eyes, irritated. "listen, i'm not here to discuss and argue hypotheticals. benny's story can't be published, that's the end of the matter."

kay has a smart, fiery rebuttal about the irony of not wanting to discuss hypotheticals although they write science fiction, but it gets caught in her throat when the older man stares at her sternly and then at darlene.

"ladies. in my office. now. benny, when i'm done with them i'll give you something else to write."

the whole office is now looking at the two women standing, and for the first time, kay feels small. she feels... scared.

she follows darlene (who has now stopped chewing her gum, kay notices) to the glass-paneled room. she can see her hands shaking lightly as she closes the door behind them.

"ladies, you know why you're both in here." he has his arms crossed and his shoulders hunched forward slightly, and kay swears she's seen him do that before. her and darlene look at each other and nod slowly. he harumphs and kay does a double take to make sure she heard it right. he's never done that before, and yet, in that stance, it feels like he's done it a million times.

"let me put it this way," he grumbles, setting his glasses on the table in front of him. "kay, if you pull a stunt like that again, i will have no choice to remove you from the next issue. darlene... this is your first warning. you may be in the writer's room, but you have no say in what gets published and what doesn't. let's leave it at that. you're dismissed."

darlene reaches her arm out and links it with kay's limp one. the sensation is sudden and sends sparks through kay's body. they turn and exit the room, darlene giggling and squeezing kay's arm to her chest.

"thanks for sayin' somethin'. i woulda felt like a real idiot if i was the only one talkin'."

kay just smiles and nods, searching the woman's eyes for something that she couldn't quite put her finger on. whatever it was, she didn't find it, but found darlene's pupils staring back at her, fascinated.

"well, aren't ya gonna take me to dinner before staring at me like that?" she giggles again and kay feels her hot blush creep to her ears and down her back as she slowly realizes that they're standing in front of everyone else. she turns and notices everyone staring at them. wait. what were they staring at? behind her?

she turns her head in confusion to find pabst's stone cold stare in her face. at this point her face is so hot it feels like she's going to explode.

"i would appreciate the romantic... chatter not be conducted right in front of my door. you two are already in enough trouble as it is, don't make it double." he breaks them apart, walking through them briskly towards benny to give him something else to put in the issue.

while kay is mortified at the interaction, darlene laughs again, her jaw now working on a new piece of gum (when did she replace that?).

"how does tonight at 8pm sound?"


	2. value of a dollar

kay can't believe she's really doing this. she's standing outside the most popular restaurant on this side of town at exactly 8:02pm, all dressed up to go on a date with her _coworker_. is this a date? what will people see and think? kay's entire life has been hiding herself from everyone, and being outed by going on a date with a beautiful coworker, (however tempting) is _not_ what she wants tonight. every second feels like an hour as she's stood against the brick wall of the building, until she sees darlene running up from somewhere across the street. she's wrapped in a thick, fluffy fur and she's wearing a peachy, collared dress that ends just below her knees, and suddenly kay feels under-dressed.

"y-you look... so pretty," kay stutters, unable to pull her eyes away from the low v-neck of the other woman's dress. darlene gives her signature giggle with a small squeal at the end. her nose bunches up around her eyes as she smiles and kay feels like she's floating.

"you sure know how to treat a lady," darlene breathes out, their eyes locking for the millionth time today alone. kay watches as darlene's mouth opens just slightly, and her tongue swipes the corner of her upper lip.

"hey, are you broads gonna go in or not?"

they both shake their heads of their trances and look around, realizing where they are. they both start babbling at once, sounding like they were in a contest on who could utter an excuse to the stranger first.

"look, i don't care," the man says impatiently, "just get in or get out of the way."

with that, darlene grabs kay's gloved hand and pulls her quickly into the entrance. 

\---

both women stare down at the menus silently. there's a thick tension that hangs above them from the moment outside. darlene has the question lodged in her throat, refusing to budge. kay can't even bring herself to look up at the person across from her.

"can i get you ladies somethin' to drink?"

they stay silent before the shorter raises her head to ask for a water. the other asks for the same. they then take turns ordering their food, although kay feels she can't eat anything with these knots in her stomach.

the waitress gives the pair an odd glance before leaving to the back, yelling something to the kitchen. 

"i-"

"listen-"

they speak at the same time, their faces mirroring each other's surprise. surprise that soon turns to humor, ending with them laughing at each other, the tension instantly dissolved. there's a long pause of comfortable silence before the waitress returns with their waters and darlene speaks.

"why were you so anxious when we met?"

kay's lips almost spit out the water she just drank up. she sighs. "was i that obvious?"

"a little. it's just that... y-your stories are so loud and full of courage. it was hard for me to accept that the person that writes such _courageous_ science fiction is this timid around someone new. unless, of course, i'm something different than just another coworker to you."

the other woman scoffs softly, her head down as she's playing with a hem on the inside of her dress. "do you pride yourself on being so attentive? i feel like you've just read through me."

she looks back up and locks eyes with those deep blue orbs, which now feel more open and inviting than ever. she sees the older's pupils dilate and shift as she takes in kay's features. the woman equates the feeling to some sort of unprecedented fascination with the person in front of her.

someone clears their throat to kay's left. she blinks a few times and looks up at the impatient face of the waitress above her.

"your food."

they both murmur their thanks and eagerly begin eating, every once in a while stealing glances at the other. and every time one glances up to check on the other, they're staring right at each other.

\---

darlene's strong affection isn't lost on kay as the day progresses, beginning with the invitation to dinner itself in the office. they finish their meals and darlene pays for them both. kay says she's chilly and darlene gives her the fluffed fur she was wearing. it seems that whenever kay's left hand isn't occupied, it somehow makes its way to darlene's right one.

they're walking on the street outside of the restaurant, making their way to kay's car. the taller woman's fur is still wrapped around kay and she's rambling about her favorite story from the illustrious k.c. hunter while the younger stares and listens in admiration. _she knows so much about me,_ she thinks as she watches darlene perfectly recap her piece from the most recent issue of the newspaper.

they stop at kay's car and before darlene can make any further statements on her demeanor or her stories, kay speaks first, the words leaping out of her chest.

"come back to my house," she starts, her voice in a nervous pitch. she stops, shocked at what just came out of her mouth. "i-if you want, i mean."

she feels her cheeks heating up again and she looks down at her feet. "it's just... i've never met anyone like... like you. it feels like you've lived seven _lifetimes_ with the amount of things you know. a-and if you want... i have an entire pile of stories that never made it to print. only if you want to... read them."

darlene smiles down at the woman and lifts her chin with her index finger. she leans in close until kay can feel her warm breath against her lips. she debates closing her eyes in blind anticipation or keeping them open to watch as their lips met. but what if someone saw them?

before she can make a decision, though, darlene connects the two of them. gently. softly. _quickly_. 

kay widens her eyes in surprise, immediately glancing around to see if anyone had seen. the fear is almost intense enough to chase off those butterflies in her stomach that now made her feel lightheaded. she leaned against her car, allowing herself a breath of fresh air. whether it was one of relief of being alone with darlene or one of pure bliss, she doesn't know.

darlene is still poised, her demeanor cool and unreadable. however, her hand is resting just gently on kay's shoulder.

"i-i'm sorry," she murmurs, unsure of her action's effect on the woman before her.

the shorter looks up at the other before pulling her head down slightly for another kiss. she holds darlene's face firmly in her two hands, her cool cheeks stinging against kay's hot palms.

everything is so vivid. 

the subtle texture of darlene's chapped lips from the cool wind.

the way even the tip of kay's nose seems to be on fire as it's pressed against her face.

the sigh kay lets out into darlene's mouth as the older's hands move to her waist.

their foreheads pressed together, kay's short hair tickling her right cheek as she watches the other's bright, inquisitive eyes stare right back, seeming to still be studying the small part of her face in their vision.

"s-so you forgive me?"

this time, it's kay's turn to giggle, wrapping her arms around the woman's neck.

"depends on your answer to my earlier question," she remarks, flashing a rare genuine smile.


	3. secretive

"have you noticed anything different about kay and darlene today, old chap?" julius whispers to albert, adjusting the cigarette holder on his lips. they both face the two as darlene sat on kay's desk, laughing and chatting while kay types out a story on her typewriter. every few minutes, darlene glances over at the paper and makes a remark and then they begin an entirely different conversation, still completely engrossed in each other.

albert nods. "i-i-i i might have noticed uh... something." he glances up at the women from the stack of papers in front of him on the central table before going back to editing.

"well," he presses, leaning against the man working, "shall i go ask them?"

albert gives a vague grunt as he tries to focus again on edits for one of julius's stories. he didn't exactly go to work for the interpersonal conversations.

julius saunters over to the women, gripping the plastic piece attached to his cigarette in between his teeth. he's about to ask something about two women flirting in this decade, but he gets cut off by pabst bursting in to check stories and assign new ones.

maybe it's for the best.

\--

to be fair, everyone noticed the chemistry as soon as they entered the office together. and now, even as the work week comes to an end, they don't stop talking to each other as they're stepping foot in the building every morning.

it was quite an odd coupling. kay, the hyperfocused hothead and darlene, the coy newbie. kay's hair, a short curled bob cut at the ear, and darlene's hair, long and curly around her shoulders. kay's tight pencil skirts and matching blazers, and darlene's long prairie dresses, tight at the bust and flowing and loose past the waist.

darlene sits at her desk for a while, chewing her gum and sorting paperwork for pabst, and then she floats in her airy dresses towards kay's desk, perching on the edge of it and looking over the typewriter, itching to see what new story the mysterious k.c. hunter is conjuring up next.

it's a simple liaison, darlene intrigued by kay's stories and how her brain works, and kay infatuated with the idea of a close companion, someone that wants to hear about what she's writing about, what she's interested in.

nothing much had happened after their kiss besides becoming closer at the office, and both desperately wondered if this relationship was going to go anywhere. but neither wanted to be the one to make the next move.


	4. screwed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from "screwed" by janelle monae

kay's driving back to her apartment from another dinner with darlene, the very woman sitting next to her, gazing absentmindedly out of the front windshield as the car bumps and rocks lightly as it moves along the rough pavement. there's a rare silence between the two, albeit comfortable and warm. 

it's become a common occurrence now, for darlene to accompany kay home after their dinners, staying for a while to chat and just absorb each other's energy. whenever they talk in the comfort of kay's small apartment, darlene notices the other woman shift completely. her shoulders relax, her voice becomes soft and gentle. her eyes become misty and she smiles to herself. they talk for hours about science fiction, about the world, about kay's stories.

something flutters in darlene's chest when she realizes that she's the reason kay feels so comfortable when they talk.

the car comes to a stop in front of kay's towering apartment building, her home on the fifth floor. the women climb the staircases in silence. kay stares down at her feet, seemingly lost in thought. darlene glances over at her every few steps, wondering what the other woman was thinking so intensely about.

"something's on your mind."

kay flinches, squeezing her eyes shut a few times before opening them to look at darlene.

"wha- oh. sorry. yeah. there's just something i've been meaning to... talk to you about." she tries to keep control of her voice, her heart beating so frantically she's scared darlene might be able to hear it thumping in the hollow walls of the staircase they've stopped in.

darlene means to say something but her throat tightens at the statement. it takes all of her strength to mutter a simple, "what?"

kay brings herself to make eye contact with the other woman before hurriedly moving forward, scaling the last set of stairs as darlene rushes to follow. they're at kay's door. she fumbles with her keys, the trembling in her hands making darlene concerned. she reaches her hand out to steady kay's nerves, immediately giving her fingers a small squeeze.

"kay, what is it?"

she takes a deep breath, feeling silly for even being this scared to say something to this person she's had the most fun she's ever had with.

"i-i... what are we?"

darlene's eyebrows raise in shock. she's not sure what she expected, but she didn't expect such a loaded question. what should she say? is kay looking for a specific answer? and what if darlene didn't give that? would they stop talking? did kay feel the same way darlene did? how will she able to know if she said the right thing? _is_ there a right thing to say in this situation? 

"well... i..." the taller woman's eyes drop to the obnoxiously colored carpet they're standing on. is what she was about to say wrong? is it coming on too strongly? should she even say it at all?

she's overthinking every little scenario so much that her mouth answers for her before she's ready to say it.

"i-i love you."


	5. won't bite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from "won't bite" by doja cat

a silence.

"what?"

well, there's no going back now.

"i-i mean..." darlene stutters, moving her back against the wall next to kay's apartment door. did she say the wrong thing? did she just ruin the friendship? as her hands feel up against the rough spackle, kay's lips meet hers.

her eyes widen, but she doesn't pull away. her hands move slowly to kay's waist, palms resting on the curve of her hips. as darlene began pushing into the kiss, kay pulled away.

"we need to go inside."

the taller woman nods quickly, checking their surroundings as kay pulled away and unlocked the door. quickly, a familiar arm snakes from inside the house and pulls darlene towards the doorframe until she was safely inside the dimly lit living room. as her eyes adjust to the dark, kay closes the door behind them and pushes the taller woman against the door, eager to continue what they began in the hall. 

darlene shivers as she feels kay's fingertips brush up under her skirt, skidding over her upper thighs. everywhere kay places her fingers, electric pulses swim up darlene's spine. she brings her hands up to pull kay's face closer, kissing her hungrily. darlene isn't entirely sure if her eyes are open or closed with the lighting, but she doesn't particularly care.

the dark felt comfortable. it felt comfortable like the way kay's hands felt comfortable squeezing at darlene's soft inner thighs. it felt comfortable like the way their lips fit perfectly together.

kay pulls them both backwards, bumping against walls until they enter kay's bedroom. darlene pushes them both down onto the soft mattress, their roles now switched.

the older woman finds herself trailing her kisses down kay's body, careful not to leave any marks that could be seen tomorrow at the office. her hands move smoothly down her shoulders to her chest, unbuttoning her thick blazer with a soft but determined precision. the other woman sits up to pull the rest of the garment off of her body before unhooking her bra as well. she tosses the clothes over to her right, pulling the other woman back down onto her body.

her lips leave kisses down kay's collarbones as she unzips her own dress, letting it fall down her shoulders to expose her pale neck and chest. she pulls away only to pull the dress off of herself, before returning to kay's body, taking one of her nipples into her mouth. she lets the tip of her tongue drag across the raised bud agonizingly slow, leaving kay panting under her. she licks at her nipple again while unzipping her skirt, the garment sliding easily off of her and to the ground.

"please," kay whimpers, running her hands through darlene's loose waves.

the night outside remains quiet and still.

\---

kay allows herself to be pulled into darlene's embrace, her cheek resting against her bare chest. her skin is flushed and warm. she hears the woman's rapid heartbeat return to a normal tempo.

"no one can know about this."

"i know," darlene whispers, staring blankly into the ceiling while playing with the strands of hair that trailed on the back of kay's neck.

they lay in comfortable silence, one of darlene's hands rubbing comforting circles on kay's back and the other massaging her scalp absentmindedly.

kay wraps her arms around darlene's waist and squeeze slightly, letting out a small hum of contentment and closing her eyes.

the other woman smiles with a quick exhale from her nose. oddly enough, kay's short, warm breaths on her collarbones are somewhat comforting to her.

their legs are tangled beneath them as they both drift off into a peaceful slumber, bathing and sharing in each other's body heat.


	6. perfect illusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> named after "perfect illusion" by lady gaga

no one at the office seems to notice at first, or at least they're not saying anything.

work is smooth, pabst still grumpy with deadlines and herb still giving him shit about the stale donuts that always end up on the center table.

darlene and kay find a safe little bubble in their workplace. there are no suspicious eyes, no concerned muttering. while they aren't affectionate in public, it makes kay's chest feel warm that she can walk into a building and feel no judgement.

being in such a situation makes it hard for both of the women to understand what happens overnight.

\---

it starts with the sounds of distant shouting. darlene has an arm around kay's waist as they laid facing each other. kay feels her cheeks heat up as darlene plants a small kiss on the center of her forehead.

"do you hear that?" the taller woman whispers, pulling away to look out of the window next to her bed. she pushes the curtain aside, but she doesn't see a single person out beneath the two. the restaurants and clubs are open, but she doesn't know if they've ever been this loud.

"yeah. kinda loud." kay mirrors darlene's thoughts perfectly as she returns to lay back and face the younger woman. 

"must just be a loud night."

a loud shot suddenly rings out above the yelling and commotion, the sound bouncing and reverberating on the darkened buildings. it feels like the entire city goes silent for a moment. but only for a moment.

the sound of a bustling nightlife quickly turns into shouts and screams. something happened. darlene pushes herself up to look back out of the window, but she still can't see anything.

the haunting screams seem to be coming from every direction outside. something about the desperation and fear laced in the voices sends an uncomfortable shiver down darlene's spine.

"what do you see?"

"nothing."

the yelling continues and it makes darlene's head spin.

"what do you think happened?"

fear is now in kay's voice, her ears also flooding with the cries that makes her skin crawl.

_"i don't know."_

\---

walking into work the next day felt eerie because nothing seems to have changed. the streets are just as busy. the sidewalks have just as many people smiling and laughing and talking. the trees still shake the same in the wind. the wind still blows trash around in the streets the same. that's what bothers darlene as her and kay walk shoulder to shoulder on the street on the way to the office.

kay notices the other woman's mood and energy, and reciprocates. the day has a heavily somber undertone when the noises of last night echo in both of their heads.

they sigh as the door opens the same, the bell chimes the same. the stairs are in same place, the sound of their heels on the carpet sounds the same.

it shouldn't feel the same. whatever happened last night wasn't meant to happen. why is everything continuing like nothing's wrong? did anybody care?

the only thing that feels different is the atmosphere when the two women walk into the small office. 

the air felt tight. no pabst grumbling, no herb complaining. and no benny.

they felt their coworkers' eyes on them as they drop their items at their desks respectfully. no one was talking or even making eye contact.

"w-well," darlene murmurs, feeling kay's hand on her knee under the table. "what... happened?"

the others glance around the table in an attempt to pass the job of explaining the situation to someone else.

"benny..." albert finally sighs out, his eyes still glued to the table. he can't say much more than that because the words jam together in his throat.

kay furrows her eyebrows. 

"y-you mean that shot..."

"uh... uh... n-no. th-that wasn't uh... benny."

everyone keeps trying to dance around the issue. albert's attempt at an explanation only leaves kay and darlene _more_ confused.

"listen," kay finally says, exasperated, "will anyone tell me what the hell is going on?" her eyes dart around the table to the other surprised faces facing her. 

there's a silence. no one wants to be the one to say it. saying it out loud makes it real.

herb, with his head down, begins to explain. 

"benny was downtown... police shot a guy that was trying to break into a car. i-i guess benny knew him." darlene can see that herb is shaking his leg under the table anxiously.

"benny tried to intervene and uh..." the women see the shorter man's face crease in thought, shutting his eyes like he isn't sure how to finish the story.

"well... they almost beat him to death."

\---

kay's eyesight goes blurry as she processes what herb just said. her grip on darlene's knee tightens as she feels lightheaded. she squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head, but when she opens her eyes she's swept with an overwhelming amount of nausea.

the police beat up benny. _they almost beat him to death_. kay feels stupid. she's always heard about that stuff, but it's never happened to anyone that she knows. it's never happened to anyone she's been close to before. 

the nausea in her stomach turns to an existential pit as her thoughts return. she has a feeling no one else feels quite like she does about this situation.

just thinking of what benny must have felt, must have looked like the night before: doubled over, no longer protesting. just allowing it to happen. letting his skin be opened forcefully and not being able to do anything about it except pray that it would be over soon.

kay feels herself getting sucked into her own thoughts, her own memories in that same position. curled up, sobbing, begging for someone to stop hurting you, someone you thought was supposed to be on your side and protect you. and then slowly letting your desperation stop and just... submitting to it. knowing it would happen whether you screamed and kicked or not. why waste that energy when it would achieve nothing?

she feels tears well up in her eyes and suddenly doesn't want to be around anyone anymore. she's hardly in control of her body as she stands from the table quickly and darts out of the office. she rushes through the halls of the floor to find any unoccupied room.

she doesn't want anyone to see her like this.

she finally finds an empty newspaper storage room and shuts the door behind her.

saying kay's feelings right now are challenging would be an understatement. she feels so much and yet nothing at all. whatever she's feeling, she's not feeling ready to relive these memories that are flooding back.

benny.

she can only imagine how benny feels, how his body aches, how his chest must feel tight. she hears footsteps coming her way and she pushes herself further into the corner of the room, tucking her legs in in front of her and resting her head on her knees. she squeezes her eyes shut as she hears the door open, afraid of who stands in the doorway.

the mystery person doesn't speak, but only sits down next to kay and pulls her into their arms.

"darlene?" her voice doesn't sound like it belongs to her.

the woman nods silently, even though she knows kay can't feel or see it. she coddles the other woman in her arms against her chest and uses one hand to stroke kay's short hair comfortingly. her fingertips press softly and periodically into the younger's scalp just to remind her she's still there.

it's been clear from the start that kay doesn't want to talk about what's going on. that's not what darlene is concerned with. she could care less about the hypotheticals and details. her main priority is sitting with the other woman for as long as she needs it.

to be honest, darlene's never seen this side of kay since they met. when their eyes met that first time in the office, there was a guarded nature about the writer. and if she was emotional, she would avoid making eye contact. she's always been quiet, always had an unmistakable timid nature. darlene chocks it up to living her career through a persona, a character. she never really has to be herself. why would she choose to be kay eaton, an anxious, scarred girl, when she can be k.c. hunter, the verbose, eccentric man loved for his tales?

"darlene?"

"yeah?"

"i feel stupid."

"why?"

kay's voice slowly regains its usual sound and strength the longer she's pulled close to darlene. a tear streams down her cheek to her ear and down into her hair.

"we're so lucky. we can... we can _hide_ what we have. benny can't."

darlene's eyes widen and her hands falter in the other's hair. she can't say she's ever thought of it like that. her mouth goes dry and she finds it hard to focus before the other woman starts speaking again.

"this, here. we can do this and we can be together in private and then... and then we can walk out into the world or into the office and no one would know. but benny... he can't do that. we can only survive because we can hide ourselves."

kay's heart starts to race and tears tug at her eyes again. she pulls herself out of darlene's arms to face her.

"i-i just feel so... stupid! privileged, maybe." her voice becomes strained and her breaths become unsteady. "what the hell are we doing? i-i feel so fucking stupid! we... we can't be getting away with this while benny's out in the street bleeding out! i-i don't understand it. i mean... i understand, but i mean..."

kay starts gesturing vividly with her hands and arms, her chest becoming tight. "i feel fucking hopeless! what the _hell_ can we do to stop this? nothing i can think of. if we speak out, we'll be putting ourselves in the same danger. if we're silent, we let this keep happening." her voice finally reaches its end, her words getting caught in her throat in a sob as she realizes the burden of those last few words.

darlene's face is stuck in a look of shock. she agrees with every word that comes out of her lover's mouth, but she's just astounded. 

she never thought about that. she's been so... sheltered. the long hair, the flowing dresses, the makeup, it all worked as a clever disguise. she's been able to hide behind it for as long as she knew she wasn't "normal."

she supposes kay never had the same experience.

all she can manage to do is pull kay back into her arms. she stares blankly in front of her, her thoughts only trailing back to one place, one part of her life that's _still_ ongoing. she's been hiding for so long it never occurred to her that maybe other people _couldn't_ hide. what was it that kay called it?

oh, yeah.

_privilege._


	7. BUMBLE BEE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> named after "BUMBLE BEE" by night lovell

it's been about a week since the office heard the news about benny. he still hasn't returned, and they don't suppose he'll be back any time soon.

the news has been affecting kay particularly more than the others. she shows up late to work, she hardly gets any work done, then she goes home early. darlene comes up to her apartment every night to check on her. she tells her the little stories about the characters around the office, how herb and pabst got into their 300th argument about donuts. how albert proudly showed off his new story about... well, more robots.

and kay lays on her chest in her bed, head facing darlene but her eyes emotionless as she listens. it's hard to focus on work and the usual annoyances when there's something so huge looming over your mind.

darlene sees kay's lack of response. but darlene knows kay's still listening. she'll sit on the edge of the bed and continue to ramble on while rubbing kay's back, or curling her short hair in her fingers. it's not really that either of them are that interested in the older woman's stories.

they just like to be around each other. 

darlene holds kay tight at night and wakes up to shush her and calm her down when she wakes up in cold sweats from a nightmare. the taller woman doesn't understand what the other is really feeling right now, but she doesn't necessarily need to. for her, the most important part is never letting kay feel like she's alone.

kay has trouble sleeping, darlene rubs her back.

kay starts having a panic attack, darlene helps her breathe.

kay is the most important thing to darlene. yes they work well together in the office. yes they have a lot in common. yes darlene loves kay's stories. all of those are components to her love, but it's not all of it. darlene is fascinated and captivated by the guarded vulnerability that kay clings to. she's pretty sure she's the only one that gets to see both sides of her.

maybe that's why darlene feels so bad for kay. because the cracks are starting to show. those little bits she hides about herself are seeping through into her outward persona. and she feels hopeless.

\---

"kay?"

"hmm?"

it's another night where kay's laying face down on her bed and darlene is sitting beside her, fingers lazily running up and down the bumps of the woman's spine. the window next to the bed is open, and the cool nighttime air is sending chills down darlene's body.

"how are you feeling?"

"mm," she grumbles in response. it's not really an answer, but darlene isn't really looking for a specific response. she just wants to know kay's still there, still listening.

"do you need something to eat?"

"mm," she responds in a lower tone, indicating a negative response. she rolls over to face the other and reaches her arms out in an attempt to pull darlene down next to her.

"hold on baby, i'm still in my work clothes."

kay groans, but the pet name makes her chest feel warm and she feels a smile creeping onto her face for the first time in days while the taller changes in the dark.

eventually, darlene joins kay in bed and pulls the shorter woman close, her face again resting on a pale chest and defined collarbones. she pulls the blanket over them both and she plants a little kiss in the middle of darlene's breasts before laying her head in the place she just kissed.

darlene smiles and feels her cheeks heat up when kay does that so nonchalantly. the woman's showed little to no emotion since she started feeling drained and unmotivated to show up to work. it just makes darlene's heart swell when she thinks about the fact that kay feels most comfortable with her. it just makes her feel like she's done something with her life to help someone.

she supposes she has helped the woman on top of her as she hears kay's soft snores from under her chin and she leaves a gentle kiss on the top of her scalp.

kay's only half asleep when she feels lips on her head and hears the short increase in heartbeats under her ear. she can't help but smile.


	8. marry the night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> named after "marry the night" by lady gaga (bc i've been in such a gaga mood lately she's all i've been listening to)

darlene is in the kitchen cooking herself a small meal after returning from work when kay stumbles into the room and wraps her arms around the other woman from behind.

"well hey there," darlene giggles, dropping what she's doing and turning around in her arms. she ruffles the shorter woman's messy hair and kisses her forehead softly.

"how was work?" her voice is muffled as it goes directly into darlene's chest.

"it was okay," darlene sighs, "everyone misses you, they wanna know how you're doing."

"and what do you tell them?"

"what do you mean, 'what do i tell them?' i can't tell them we spend all our time together."

kay's face turns into a frown, hidden by the folds of the other's dress. she knows they're not supposed to be together, but hearing it come out of her lover's mouth makes it feel miserably real.

in her depression since benny's beating, her real issue is that everything, every little injustice in the world, has felt so heavy. she's always normalized these behaviors, hiding her sexuality, pretending to be a man for a job, benny pretending to be white for a job, darlene acting ditsy and dumb at the office. why did she allow herself to normalize all of that? she feels her chest tighten as her arms squeeze darlene tight in return.

"what's wrong?" darlene whispers into her hair, turning off the stove and dropping everything. kay's gone silent and has darlene's waist in a vice-like grip in her arms. the older woman feels kay's breathing getting faster.

she shushes her gently and leads them over to the couch to lay down. kay lays on darlene's chest and tries to level her breathing.

darlene's giving her all the room in the world and yet kay still feels suffocated.

"i'm tired of hiding." kay's voice doesn't sound like hers. it's too rough and hoarse and deep.

darlene attempts to give a light chuckle at her sentence but fails as her face falls.

"well, you're not _hiding_ , per se. you're just taking care of yourself before you go back t--"

"you know that's not what i mean."

darlene sighs. she'd be lying if she doesn't admit that she's been having those thoughts too. it hurts her that she has to act so stupid at their job, let alone pretend she doesn't know what kay's going through. as if she's not coming home every night and waking her up from her daily hibernation and reminding her to drink water. as if she's not cooking dinner for the both of them every night for kay to stare blankly at the plate and push her food around with her fork. as if she doesn't know how close kay and benny were and how it's killing kay that she doesn't know how badly benny's hurt, if he's healing properly, if he'll ever come back to work again, _if anyone's taking care of him_.

the older's pause feels like it lasts for an eternity before she finally speaks.

"yeah."

despite darlene's chatty nature, all words escape her. all she can focus on is how she can feel kay's soft heartbeat over her own and the way the woman's sporadic breathing has ebbed just slightly as she absorbs the silence in the room.

neither of them know what to say. things should be different. they should be allowed to walk around, to be around each other, just to exist.

darlene's mind wanders to benny's story. if he wrote a black captain, does that mean people like her and kay exist in that world too?

she remembers two certain characters in the story that worked closely with his captain, benjamin sisko. she couldn't quite remember their names, but they were both women and the descriptions of each fit those of darlene's and kay's. benny mentioned wanting to write sequels of his story. darlene wonders if those two characters are anything like the two of them.

is that major kira just as fiery and traumatized? is that jadzia dax just as compassionate and secretly brilliant? do the two of them spend as much time together as darlene and kay do? and what is that world like?

what's it like living in a world where your race, your sexuality, your gender, where none of it makes you any less of a living being?

if only darlene could see herself living long enough with this secret to find out the answer to her question.


	9. G.U.Y.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> named after "G.U.Y." by lady gaga

kay walks with darlene in the rain to their office on a tuesday morning. after a couple weeks of moping around at home, darlene finally convinces kay to return to work. the only thing that influenced her decision the night before was the hope that benny will be at the office today to see the new issues of the paper with his story in it.

"i'm scared," kay murmurs in the elevator up to the workroom. her hand is gripping darlene's tight as she tries to soothe herself by studying the carpet patterns under their feet.

"why?"

"i don't wanna see how bad he's hurt."

"i know," the other woman whispers, squeezing her hand before letting it drop as the elevator doors open. darlene hears kay sigh sadly at the loss of contact. they exchange glances before opening the door and entering the workroom.

kay walks with her head down, watching her feet take her to her desk. darlene follows close behind her and leans against the windowsill behind kay's chair. she wants to rub kay's back and hold her and tell her everything's gonna be okay even though she knows she can't. she wants to pet her curly hair and whisper how strong she is for even being here to see benny.

but her hands stay fidgeting with her dress hem at her sides, her palms planted firmly on the windowsill she's leaning on. her eyes are fixated on a small stain in the carpet where supposedly kay had spilled some of her "instant iced tea."

it feels like forever until they hear the familiar creaking of the floor as someone walks to the door. the steps sound infrequent, as though the person is limping. the door finally creaks open, benny's bandaged hand leaning heavily on the shiny doorknob as the office sees him for the first time in what felt like forever.

"hey benny," kay murmured, her throat tightening as she stares at her best friend's battered body. she couldn't decide on whether she should run forward and hug him or stay seated, hiding the feelings that plagued her since she heard those echoing screams from somewhere in the bustling city.

he was walking on a cane, clearly not able to stand on his own as one leg visibly shakes from the pressure of holding his entire body up. in a rush of confidence, kay stands and walks benny to the closest chair. she feels her heart sink when benny winces with every minute movement. it was a burden just to breathe, to stand, to exist in a climate where you've never been welcomed.

kay supposes she knows that feeling. she only wishes neither of them have to ever feel like that again.

when benny was seated, kay only felt her chest tighten further. she wanted to do something. she wanted to run into darlene's arms. she wanted to burst into tears and collapse on the floor. she wanted to help benny. she wanted to help herself.

"kay?"

she almost audibly sobs when she hears darlene's voice behind her. she feels a hand on her back that holds an unmistakable warmth and familiarity in the palm.

"can we... talk?"

kay nods, standing carefully, making sure she doesn't face her other coworkers as tears fall from her eyes. darlene keeps her palm between kay's shoulder-blades until they close the door behind them in a private room just outside the office.

as soon as they hear the click of the door shutting, darlene pulls the crying woman into her arms. kay lets out shaking sobs into darlene's body, tears soaking into the top of her dress. the air is heavy and dark, and darlene finds herself in a state of shock as she pets kay's hair in silence.

they all knew it was bad. but they didn't know it was _that_ bad.

darlene feels a sickening bout of nausea as kay continues to sob into the only person that feels safe.


End file.
